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Tangled

Disney is notorious for vilifying parents.

This idea is neither original to me, nor is it uniquely insightful. It’s the same premise in nearly every Disney movie. The protagonist has a dream. The parents of the protagonist are an obstacle. And the audience is always led to believe that the child knows best.

This is the premise in even some of the most biblically informed Disney movies. Moana’s parents won’t let her go beyond the reef. And Miguel’s family won’t allow him to pursue his passion for music. It’s the reason why many Christian parents won’t let their children watch Disney. They believe (and maybe rightfully so) that our minds are being conditioned to view our parents as our enemies.

And yet, the movie Tangled breaks this mold (however, this might only be because the story of Rapunzel is not original to Disney). Gothel is the villain. Rapunzel is actually oppressed. And her parents are the heroes. It is her parent’s love that casts out Rapunzel’s fear.

Mother knows best

Biblically speaking, this is true: mother knows best. In Proverbs, chapter 1, a child is instructed to: “forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head.” And continually throughout the Proverbs, we read the parental wisdom of how to stay safe, and how to avoid those who would do us harm.

And on the surface, the song, Mother Knows Best, is nothing more than the Proverbs set to a Mary Poppins like rhythm. Close your eyes and listen to the song. It will sound like a caring mother giving her child wisdom on how “to [be kept] safe and sound”. Or how to not “get mugged and left for dead”. Gothel’s instructions are good, and even biblical. She even finishes the song by telling Rapunzel: “I love you very much…I love you most.”

And yet, Gothel could not be any more evil and selfish. Her character epitomizes the authority that sin has over an unbeliever. Gothel has instilled fear into Rapunzel. She says that she loves Rapunzel. And yet, the entire relationship is driven by fear. And we see this in both Rapunzel’s bondage as well as her freedom. In her bondage, we see her manipulated to believe Gothel’s lies and live in fear; she never leaves the tower. And even in her freedom, we see the crushing guilt that Gothel’s tight grip has had on her. She has sentiments of being a horrible daughter, and wanting to go back. Or feeling like a despicable human being. Gothel has so indoctrinated Rapunzel with a spirit of fear that she always has the weight of guilt on her conscience. But there is a remedy. In 1 John 4:18, we are told that “perfect love casts out all fear.” 

I See the Light

This song is by far the best track in the film. Not only does it have the most beautiful melody, but it is also the most pivotal point in the movie. As the song comes to a close, Rapunzel looks into Flynn Rider’s eyes and says: “All at once, everything is different now that I see you.” And because of this, our minds are drawn to believe that everything has changed because Rapunzel sees some self-centered thief who has a really nice “smolder”. 

But if you take a step back, and consider what sparked the song, you will see a scene of loving parents missing their daughter, crying, and lighting a lantern. This lantern is the light that Rapunzel saw, and it was the catalyst for everything. For years, she had been in the tower. She could barely make out what she was seeing. But “at last [she] sees the light. And it’s like the fog has lifted…all at once, everything is different” because she sees her parents’ love. She sees a love that would send light into the world. She sees a love that is steadfast and faithful. She sees a love that reminds her of who she truly is– a child of the king. And it is this love that casts out all fear.

There were a variety of themes throughout the movie. There was certainly something to Flynn sacrificing his life, and cutting Rapunzel’s hair. And yet, I think that this theme of parental love casting out fear is what differentiates this movie from most of the other Disney movies. 

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The Pluralization of Last Names

This may be the epitome of my random thoughts…

The English language has what we call: “irregular plural nouns”. Essentially, these are nouns that are so cool that we can’t just add an “s” or “es” to the end of them when we want to pluralize them. An entire new word has to be created for them; they don’t play by the rules. And they’re like the coolest things ever.

For example: foot becomes feet, person becomes people, child becomes children, focus becomes foci, goose becomes geese, and fish just stays fish (unless you’re C.S. Lewis…then you can say, “fishes”).

And I would like to suggest that surnames ought to be irregularized as well. Cool families ought to have their last names pluralized. For instance: Ramirez becomes Ramirei, Uyeda becomes Uyeighties, Chagas becomes Chagai, and Diaz becomes Di-ai. This is just the way that it ought to be.

My first rule is: if you can irregularize a last name, you should irregularize a last name. My second rule is: not every cool family has an irregular last name, but every family who has an irregular last name is a cool family. And my third rule is: if “irregularize” isn’t an actual word, we should just say it confidently until it gets added to the dictionary.

Note: I am halfway serious and halfway joking. But I want to be clear: this is not an endorsement for using “preferred last names” or “preferred pronouns”.

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Remember Me

Disney Pixar’s Coco is just one of those movies. One moment, you’re bobbing your head, humming along with the music. And the next, you’re rubbing the mist out of your eyes. Both visually and sonically, this film is a masterpiece. And it is saturated with so many different themes. I could write on El Dia De Los Muertos. Or how this movie is a social commentary on families being separated at the border. Or immigration. Or the quotes: “Seize your moment” or “Nothing’s more important than family”. There are so many different themes that are woven throughout this movie. And yet, this piece will only touch on the theme song: Remember Me.

Ernesto de la Cruz

Ernesto de la Cruz is introduced to us as “one of the most beloved singers in Mexican history”. And at the movie’s five and a half minute mark— that’s when we hear it: Remember Me.

With an upbeat tempo, surrounded by flashy lights and dozens of background dancers, Ernesto de la Cruz sings this song as he ascends on an escalator. “Remember Me! Though I have to say goodbye, Remember Me! Don’t let it make you cry…until you’re in My arms again, Remember Me!”

It is pretty clear from his very first scene, but we continue to see it through the entirety of the movie: Ernesto de la Cruz is a narcissist. Everything that he does is for his own legacy. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Whether he is hosting dinner parties or walking his friend to the train station, everything is done out of selfish ambition. Even him jumping into the pool to save Miguel was self-serving. It can be argued that he only did it because it would look good in front of a lot of people. For we see, at the end of the movie, that he acts and speaks differently when he thinks no one is watching (although the camera was broadcasting everything to the entire audience). And to top it all off, we can even presume that Ernesto abandoned his family so that he could preserve his own legacy. When Miguel thought that Ernesto was his great great grandfather who had abandoned his family, he asked him: “Did you ever regret it…leaving your family?” And Ernesto replied with, “Si. But, I could not have done it differently. One cannot deny who one is meant to be.”

And so this catchy song that we’ve been humming along to— we finally realize that it’s an anthem of narcissism. It’s a song that just revolves around “me”. Remember me! Don’t let my absence make you cry. It’s all about Me. Me. Me.

Héctor Rivera

But then Coco reveals its brilliance, and everything changes.

“Remember me,” Héctor sings as we watch a memory of him kneeling next to his daughter’s bed, “Though I have to say goodbye, remember me. Don’t let it make you cry…” I’m not sure if he was talking his daughter, Coco, or to me. But, that’s when I used my finger to rub the tear that was trying to form on the inside of my eye. And as Coco tilts her head in admiration of her father, he sings: “I hold you in my heart. I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart. Remember me.”

And all of a sudden, this narcissistic song becomes one of the most tender and beautiful father-daughter love songs (and maybe the only) in all of Disney. It’s the same exact lyrics. Nothing is changed. Just the tempo, the tune, and the context. It’s not about some self-obsessed man who walked out on his family wanting everyone to remember him. It’s about a father who loves his daughter. It’s about a father who wishes that he could be with his daughter (which is why he decided to abandon his career). It’s about a father who wanted his daughter to know and remember just how much he loved her. It’s about a father who wanted to have his daughter’s affections. And it’s about a father who wanted to assure his daughter that he would return to be with her again.

Jesus

Is this not the theme song that our Everlasting Father has given to us?

Remember Me (Luke 22:19). Though I have to say goodbye (John 16:7). Remember Me. Don’t let it make you cry (John 20:13)…know that I’m with you the only way that I can be (Matthew 28:20)…Remember me!

Jesus is not a narcissist. Yes, He is worthy of all of our thoughts, honor, and worship. But this refrain in His Word, the Lord’s Supper that we take, it is meant to comfort us. It’s not about some self obsessed man who lived a great life and wants everyone to remember him. It’s about an Everlasting Father who loves His children. It’s about an Everlasting Father who wishes that He could be with His children (which is why He died). It’s about an Everlasting Father who wants His children to know and remember just how much He loves them. It’s about an Everlasting Father who wants to have His children’s affections. And it’s about an Everlasting Father who wants to assure His children that He will return to be with them again.

And that is why we take the Lord’s supper. Remember Him.

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The Church Madrigal

In the movie, Encanto, we are introduced to a very special family: the Madrigals. Each member of the Madrigal family has been blessed with a distinct gift of grace. The entire movie is comprised of 7 songs where we hear many different voices. Each voice expresses who they are and how they fit into the Madrigal family. Some express an earnest desire for a “higher” gift, while others express the pressures of having a certain gift. It isn’t until the very end of the film when this polyphony comes together to form All of You.

1 Corinthians 12 and Romans 12

“For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them…” Each member of the Madrigal family was given a different gift of grace. And similar to the giving of the Spirit after Christ’s sacrifice for His Bride, a Miracle was given to Pedro’s family after he sacrificed his life.

“What are the gifts? I can’t remember all of the gifts!” The village children excitedly exclaimed as they tugged on Mirabel’s arm.

For to one was given through the Miracle the gift of affecting the weather, and to another by the same Miracle the ability to heal with a meal, to another prophecy, to another hearing, to another shape shifting, to another super strength, and to another the gift of gracefulness.

All of these were empowered by one and the same Miracle, who apportioned (or not) to each one individually as it willed. The Miracle, not only blessed Pedro’s family with gifts, but it also blessed them with a living and active Casita.

Certain gifts, like super strength, were bestowed great honor (the weight of the entire world was put on Luisa’s shoulders). While other gifts, like prophecy, were despised and seen as unpresentable (Bruno was blamed for dead fish, big guts, and baldness). And the entire foundation and identity of the family and their household became about giftings. Because of this, their Casita collapsed.

The Church is similar to the Madrigal family in that it is composed of many members with many different gifts. When they come together in love, it is a beautiful picture that displays All of [Christ]. Yet if the focus is directed towards the individual and their gifts, the Church will collapse. She must exercise her gifts in harmony like a madrigal.

“For the body does not consist of one member but of many.” There are dangers when the Church becomes so infatuated with the variety of gifts. And these dangers are accurately illustrated in Mirabel’s sisters.

On the one hand, there is Luisa. Her gift of strength is bestowed with great honor. And because of it, she is heavily depended on…by everyone. And even though she is marked by humility, and would never look to another member of the Madrigal family and say: “I have no need of you,” there is still a real sense in which the whole infatuation that everyone has with the gifts causes her to feel the weight and pressure to bear every burden. It is important for us to honor each member and their gifts. Yet, we must be careful so as to not define someone’s identity by their gift. When the member who is gifted in evangelism is defined by being “the Evangelist”, it is possible (and very likely) for them to enter depression when the Lord is not giving the growth. Or the member who is gifted in hospitality– if they are defined by being the “the Most Hospitable in the Church”, it is possible for them to feel burnt out when they cannot have everyone over. I think that it is very important for us to honor and acknowledge others’ gifts. We just need to make sure that our words of honor don’t create a pressure that leads to a “drip, drip, drip that’ll never stop.”

On the other hand, there is Isabela. And she represents the danger of a facade. Similar to Luisa, Isabela felt the weight and pressure of pleasing her family. Halfway through the movie, we find out that she never wanted to marry Mariano. “[She] was doing it for the family!” And it was at this moment, in making a cactus, when she realized that all of this pressure had caused her to put on a facade of perfection. And it was actually okay and good for her to produce something that wasn’t symmetrical and perfect. This not only freed her up to be genuine and authentic, it also led to a blessing for her cousin, Dolores. This authenticity is also necessary in the Church. All too often, people just want everything to look good on the outside (even when the entire Casita is cracking from within). They are afraid that if their imperfections show, the Church will not stand. And facades are contagious; it’s harder for people to show the cracks in their lives when they don’t see the cracks in others’ lives. The lesson from Isabela is meant to show us the pitfall of “doing it for the family” or “doing it for the Body”. We must “do it for the Head of the Body”.

1 Corinthians 13

At the onset of the movie, we are led to believe that Mirabel was left without a gift. And yet from the opening sequence, it is clear that Mirabel is very different. And I’m not just referring to the fact that she is different from the rest of the Madrigals. No, she is very different from every other Disney protagonist ever. Rather than chasing after her own desires and pursuit of self worth, Mirabel looks outside of herself– to the good of others.

Although she is constantly reminded that she wasn’t apportioned a gift, she never dwells on her poor circumstance. Rather she patiently hopes for and [Waits] On A Miracle. When her cousin, Antonio, struggles to find courage on his big day, Mirabel extends kindness to comfort him and walk him down the path to receive a gift that she herself was denied. It is clear in The Family Madrigal that Mirabel is content just being a part of the family. She does not envy her sisters’ gifts. Rather, she boasts, not of herself, but of her family members. And although there is a scene where she calls her sister a “selfish entitled princess”, it is not arrogant or rude; it’s simply the truth. Even when every member of her family rubs her differences in her face, she is never irritable or resentful. She loves them and wants to serve them no matter what. Even her misunderstood Tio Bruno– she seeks to exonerate him that she might rejoice with the truth.

Mirabel was blessed with something far greater than super strength and grace…or even the ability to speak in the tongues of men and of animals. She was given love. And while strength would cease. Love never ended. It was her love (“bring it in, bring it in”) that reunited the Madrigals and became the foundation of their Casita. As stated in All of You, each member was more than just their gifts. And it was Mirabel who showed them that their foundation could not be their gifts; their foundation had to be love.

Likewise, the Church. Period.

Romans 6

“We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.”

When God changes His people, He does not simply give them an external makeover.  No, He completely changes their inner being. In order for the new creation to come, the old self must be cast off; it must be put to death. When speaking about the resurrection, Paul said: “What you sow does not come to life unless it dies.” God has so ordained that death would precede life. And this happens in the life of every believer. They must die to their sinful nature in order that they might be raised to walk in newness of life. We see this so beautifully illustrated in baptism. The believer goes under the water, symbolizing their death and burial. And they are then brought out of the water which symbolizes the union of their resurrection with Jesus. And so, in the life of every believer, there is always death before life.

We even see this in nature. Death precedes life and beauty. Consider The Very Hungry Caterpillar. In this childhood classic, we see a big, fat, caterpillar transformed into a beautiful butterfly. And this doesn’t just happen overnight or by its own self will. In order for there to be a true change in beauty, the caterpillar has to be buried (in a cocoon). And only after its burial, can it be raised to newness of life.

And this— this is the subtle mystery that everything in Encanto hinges upon. And it’s so subtle. If you’re not paying close attention, you’ll completely miss it.

“Butterfly! Follow the butterfly!” This was the turning point in Bruno’s vision. When all hope seemed lost, it was the butterfly that led them to see a reed, and then the candle, and then “the embrace”. And from that point on, our attention was focused on “the embrace” and how Mirabel would somehow get a hug out of her sister. But, I want to go back to the butterfly. Let’s follow the butterfly. This is the linchpin!

The next time that we see this butterfly is when Mirabel is near the water with her Abuela Alma. And as Alma recollects how she met Pedro, and his love for their family, we hear the song Dos Oruguitas: meaning two caterpillars. And as her memories unfold, we see Pedro entering into the waters, out of love for his family, and being put to death there. However, Pedro is not Jesus. So, he was not raised back to life. But, we do see a reed, a sign of life, growing in the place where there was death. And as Alma humbled herself and went into the waters, where her husband had been buried, and confessed her sin, she too was raised up as Mirabel stood there honoring her life. And as they embraced, the singer of Dos Oruguitas cries out: “Ay! Mariposas!” And swarms of butterflies fluttered around them. It was a certain death that brought about life. The caterpillars had to be in a cocoon before they could fly as beautiful butterflies. Abuela Alma had to be brought low before her prayer of “open my eyes” could be answered. And the Casita had to be brought down in order for it to be raised up. And so it was that this one scene became the most pivotal moment in the movie. Only through the death of the Madrigal family could it be raised up on a new foundation of love.

Church Symbolism

      • Dolores = the church gossip
      • Camilo = hypocrite (actor or false appearance)

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Lucia

“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear Him who can destroy both soul and body in hell” – Matthew 10:24

None of the men moved. They all just sat there. Ameni, Espinho, Paulo, Manuel, and even her own son, Saide—they all just sat there.

Lucia watched as her friend, Nate, struck another match. The flame flared up for a second but then steadied itself. As Nate raised the match, the flame began to flicker. Lucia realized that if no one stopped him, their entire church would burn to the ground.

People often say that the church is not the building. And in this case, it could be said that the church was not even a building. The structure of their place of worship could scarcely be called a building. The walls consisted of long sticks that were held together by twine. They stood straight up, reaching from the ground to the height of where a doorknob would be. Longer, sturdier sticks were secured in the dirt around the walls to support a roof that covered the structure. The roof was simply a grid of bamboo sticks, covered by a plastic tarp, with dried grass overlaying it. It wasn’t much. And yet, it was the place that Lucia had come to worship her Savior for years.

Lucia had been saved sometime in 2011. Before her encounter with Jesus, Lucia was a worldly woman. She had multiple children with five different husbands; she often resonated with the woman at the well in John, chapter 4. And like the Samaritan woman, Lucia’s encounter with Jesus was both immediate and transformational.

Her husband, Paulo, had heard the Gospel in a nearby village, and had brought it back to Lumbiza to share with her. Upon hearing the Word of truth, she felt deep conviction and professed faith. For the next 6 months, Lucia learned what it meant to follow Christ. During that time, she went through a discipleship training course where she learned all about Jesus and His teachings. She learned so much from the Bible classes that she attended. And yet, it wasn’t through the discipleship courses that she learned what it meant to follow Jesus. It actually came through the form of suffering.

Lucia’s parents really opposed her conversion to Christianity. Everyone in their village was Muslim. They didn’t like that their daughter had become a Christian, and they tried to pressure her to convert back. They figured that she only changed her religion because her husband, Paulo, had changed his. Little did they know, Lucia’s love for Jesus surpassed everything on this earth.

It wasn’t long after Lucia had started to experience this opposition, when she was met with an even greater trial: Paulo wanted to take on another wife. Although he had professed to being a Christian, his life told a different story. He was hardened by his sin. And he actually blamed his sin on God. “God made me this way. He is satisfied with me, and I will have another wife.”

This attitude was not at all in line with a Christian. God has made it clear that marriage is meant to be between one man and one woman. Paulo knew this, but he still wanted another wife. He refused to listen to other believers. And so, he was disciplined from the church. Even though he professed to being a Christian, the church treated him as though he was an unbeliever.

Paulo divorced Lucia. He, then, took another wife from somewhere else and brought her back to Lumbiza. Because that lady didn’t know anybody in the village, Lucia actually went regularly to try and befriend her and share the Gospel with her. When Lucia had every right to be hurt and keep her distance, Lucia looked outside of herself in order to bless the lady that had caused her a lot of pain.

Sadly, after about 6 months, Paulo was fed up with that woman and sent her back to where she had come from. He, then, took on another wife. The woman that he had chosen to be his wife, he had actually known and had a relationship with during his marriage to Lucia. This caused her even more pain and suffering.

Throughout this time, Lucia’s family continued to pressure her to go back to Islam. It didn’t make sense to them why she would continue to call herself a Christian when her “Christian” husband had left her. They wanted her to return to the mosque since she wasn’t in a Christian relationship anymore. But despite the pressure from her parents, her former husbands, and the entire community, she never even considered it. Her response was always: “I’d rather have Jesus.”

“If you die, we won’t look after your body,” they said. For them, that was the trump card. Culturally, that was everyone’s biggest worry. Africans had a strong association with the physical body being in a physical grave. They really didn’t like the idea of cremation or anything but a proper burial. Her family figured that they could manipulate Lucia into returning to Islam by threatening to not look after her body if she died.

Much to their surprise, Lucia responded: “You can do whatever you want with my body. You can cut it up into little pieces and send it all around the country. I don’t care because I am going to be with Jesus.”

Whenever she faced suffering, Lucia always looked to her Savior. Her Lord had instructed her: “Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear Him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” Lucia was not perfect. But her life certainly reflected that she feared God more than she feared man.

Lucia was sweet to everyone that she encountered; she said hello to everyone that she walked past. She was as friendly as can be. And yet, many of the people in her village, many of her old friends, completely stopped talking to her. And because she lived by herself, without a husband to protect her, she was a target for thieves to steal from her during the night.

The Lord had given Lucia a lot of suffering. But He also blessed her with a lot of refreshing gifts. During that time, the Lord had used her witness to minister to two of her adult children: Saide and Sausnetta. They were both baptized and brought into the church.

The Lord also blessed Lucia with a wonderful friendship. A year after her conversion, she met a missionary family that worked in a neighboring village. The husband was a tall American man named Nate. And the wife was an Australian lady named Jenni. Lucia met with Jenni each week to study the Bible. They would share encouragements in Scripture, and Jenni would teach her Bible stories so that she could teach the children in Lumbiza. Over the years, Lucia’s love for this family grew more and more. Amidst many of her trials, this family was a tremendous blessing to her.

In 2018, Paulo returned to the church. “I tried going to the Anglican church. It’s all about the law. There’s no Bible teaching there. I tried being on my own and I feel like I’m under the thumb of evil spirits,” he explained, “I need to be around the people of God.”

Lucia’s friend, Nate, and the other pastors in the church wanted to be wise. While they knew that the God of the Bible offered complete forgiveness to those who sin, they also wanted to be careful not to confuse worldly grief and sorrow with repentance. And so, they encouraged the church to get to know Paulo: hear his confession, know his sin, and look at his life.

After a couple of months, everyone in the church felt comfortable with restoring Paulo back into the church. From what they could see, there was nothing concerning.

As Paulo started coming around again, his Muslim wife would sometimes attend church with him. At first, this was really hard for Lucia. This woman had really hurt Lucia when Lucia had been married to Paulo. Lucia prayed for strength. And the Lord answered. He gave her the strength and will to love her enemy. The Lord helped Lucia get to a point where she felt no bitterness at all. She just wanted the woman to know and love Christ. Lucia would invite her over to cook with her, and she would even share the Gospel with her. It was such a beautiful thing to see.

 Paulo’s repentance, however, did not last. Over the next year and half, he began to go back to his old ways. When some of the believers in the church learned that he was engaging in such gross sin, he threatened them. “If you say anything to Nate, I will make up lies about you.” He also tried to downplay his sin by making it sound like his sin was normal: “Everyone commits adultery.”

All of the members in the church feared him. And so, nobody said anything about his sin. Even Lucia felt trapped. She was scared that people might actually believe his lies. And so, she kept quiet.

“A little leaven leavens the whole lump.” Paulo’s sin influenced the entire Body. Believers were fearing man more than they feared God. In a way, they tolerated his sin. This led to more immorality in the church. Members began to distance themselves from the church. The hypocrisy in the church wasn’t any different from the hypocrisy in the mosque. The only difference was that they experienced persecution for being in church. And so, it didn’t make sense to continue going to the Christian church. Even Lucia’s daughter, Sausnetta, began to distance herself from the church. She also began to lie and act promiscuous. If it was okay for Paulo, why couldn’t she engage in the same types of sin?

This, obviously, grieved Lucia. Both her and Saide pleaded with Sausnetta to repent, but she refused. Sausnetta hardened her heart. She treasured her sin more than God. And so, the church made the decision to discipline Sausnetta. Although heartbroken, Lucia knew that it was the right thing to do: “We can’t allow the community to think that she’s a believer.”

Even after Sausnetta was removed, the church was still stained with sin. Each week, the Lumbiza church gathered to worship. But everyone was depressed. Lucia’s friend, Nate, could sense that something was going on. But when asked, nobody would speak up. Everyone was so fearful of what Paulo might do.

Nate led the church through a sermon series on what it meant to keep one another accountable. He talked about calling out sin, dealing with it in an open and honest way, and the fruit that this exposure would produce. Still, nobody spoke up. It was dead silent after each sermon.

 One Sunday, Lucia’s friend, Nate, brought a box of matches to church. As everyone sat down for worship, he addressed the spiritual oppression that he had noticed: “I know that there is sin here,” he paused to see if anyone would speak up. “Nobody wants to talk about it. Playing with sin, and not addressing sin will destroy a church. If we’re going to destroy a church with sin, then why not have a little fun with it?” He pulled out a matchstick from the box. “I really think that it’s fun to play with fire,” he said sarcastically.

Nate lit the match. He let it burn for a little while. He wanted to see if anyone would do anything. He wanted to see if anyone had the courage to stop him from burning down the church. Nate didn’t know about Paulo’s sin, but he knew that something was going on.

He threw the match at the ground, and it burned out. Nate pulled out another match. Nobody moved. He lit the match, hoping for a response. But still, nobody moved or said anything. He just wanted some type of reaction. He wanted them to stand up to him. But they just watched.

“Don’t you think this is fun?” Nate’s eyes widened as he waved the match near Saide’s beard. He really hoped that Saide would have had the courage to speak up. But Saide remained silent.

Nate threw the match at the ground again. He lit a few more matches. “Don’t you think that this is fun,” he kept repeating.

“No. This is weird. Stop,” they responded. They had never seen Nate act this way before. They thought that maybe he had an evil spirit.

“Don’t you think that this is fun,” Nate kept repeating. He flung the match onto the tarp. He hoped that it would catch fire. He didn’t intend to burn the entire church down, but he did want to see what they would do if something small caught on fire. He tried to get a spark out of the tarp a few times, but the matches just smoked out.

Still, nobody moved. They all just sat there. Ameni, Espinho, Paulo, Manuel, and even Saide—they all just sat there.

Nate struck another match. This time, he held it up to the grass roof. It was dry season, and it wouldn’t have been hard to catch fire. He didn’t intend to burn the church down, but even if he did, he knew that the damage to the church had already been done.

Before Nate could light up the roof, Lucia stopped him. “You can’t do this,” she took the matches from his hand, “It’s not safe.”

All of the men were just going to let him burn down the church. Lucia was the only woman there. She was the only one who showed any backbone. The rest of the men were all going to sit back and watch the church burn to the ground—just as they had done when they were silent about Paulo’s sin.

After Nate did his whole charade with the matches, Lucia’s son, Saide, pulled Nate aside to tell him about Paulo. Nate knew that they had to address Paulo’s sin. But he wanted to do it in such a way that would not bring down Paulo’s wrath on Saide. He and a few of the pastors from a neighboring village went around Lumbiza. They went to the chief’s house. They spoke to people in the market. Anyone they could find, they asked: “We just want to know the testimony of the Lumbiza church, and everyone there.”

The responses that they received were discouraging. The church’s reputation had been tarnished. People all over the village testified to Paulo’s sin. While it was certainly discouraging to hear, the charges were enough to remove Paulo from the church without him suspecting that Saide had been the informant. So once again, Paulo was disciplined from the Lumbiza church.

 Lucia and Saide knew that they should have spoken up about Paulo’s sin. They knew that it was wrong to keep silent. They recognized that the reason that they did not stand up to Paulo was because they feared him more than they feared God. Though she had stumbled, it was evident that Lucia feared the Lord. After Paulo had been removed, Lucia told Nate: “I won’t let that happen again. I won’t be so scared of a person that I help to hide the truth.”

*A chapter from the Beautiful Feet Collections. Coming (not so) soon!

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7 Helpful Things a Single Guy Can Do

A few years ago, I wrote: 5 Harmful Things You Can Say to a Single Guy. In a way, it was an indictment on the church and the way that she speaks to and about singleness. I have found that, in many churches, the ways that we speak to singles is not aligned with (and even contradictory to) the sentiments that Paul shares in 1 Corinthians 7. I have found that the language we use can be not only hurtful, but also harmful to our single brothers as we consider our calling and identity in the context of His Kingdom.

And while it’s easy to point out the failings of the church, I think it’s necessary to put some of the responsibility on the single man. I think that there are things that he can do to help cultivate a healthy atmosphere around him.

The following exhortations are not explicit commands from Scripture. “I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgement as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy.” I have merely found these practices to be helpful in my walk. And I believe that these practices are applicable to both single men who currently desire marriage and single men who do not currently desire marriage.

  1. Let your community know your desires

My greatest fear with 5 Harmful Things You Can Say to a Single Guy is that someone would read it and start walking on eggshells around singles. That is not my intention. I actually want to encourage there to be more conversations about singleness and callings. I just think that these conversations are better suited for community.

Brothers, I would encourage you to share your desires with those who are close to you. At the very least, opening up to community about your desires and perceived calling will allow for your brothers and sisters to pray for you. But I have found that it is also helpful to have a buffer to those outside of your community. Often times, people have asked those in my community about my interests and desires. And often times, my community has been able to answer on my behalf. If you desire marriage, this may lead to suggestions (for a possible match). And if you do not desire marriage, this may prevent a lot of unnecessary conversations.

  1. Content yourself with Christ

Calling is confusing…especially when it seems like our desires do not match the circumstances that the Lord puts us in. There are single men who do not desire marriage. And maybe I am wrong, but I would think that this is the easiest state to be content in. And I would say to you: do not find contentment in your state, but rather find your contentment in Christ. And then there are single men who desire marriage and are in a relationship that would seem to be headed in that direction. And I say to you: you are still in the state of singleness, and you should steward this time as much as possible to advance the kingdom and find contentment in Christ. I think that the saying is trustworthy: if you are not content before marriage, you will not find contentment in marriage. Now there may be more categories, but the last situation that I want to cover is the single man who desires marriage, but it just doesn’t seem like those desires are aligned with the Lord’s will. All that I can tell you is: trust God and continue to delight in Him. Psalm 37:4 says: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I recognize that this verse can actually be extremely discouraging. Some of you have delighted yourselves in the Lord, and it doesn’t seem like the Lord is giving you the desires of your heart. Whether you interpret “give you the desires” as “grant the desires” or “shapen the desires”, this verse will be discouraging if you desire marriage, and the Lord has prolonged your waiting. Like why does the Lord not just shapen your desires to align with His will? Why doesn’t he just take away your desire for marriage altogether? I honestly don’t know, but my exhortation remains: trust God and continue to delight in Him.

  1. Pursue holiness and purity

This is a MUST! If you are single and desire to be married, you MUST pursue holiness and purity. And if you are single and do not desire to be married, you MUST pursue holiness and purity.

You have heard it said: “Save yourself for marriage.” But what if you don’t desire marriage? Or what if you do, and it just seems like the Lord is closing that door? If we lean on this cliché exhortation as our motivation, the enemy will gain a foothold. Our motivation for holiness and purity must go far beyond marriage. How about this: “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming.” How about the exhortation: fight for purity or you’re going to hell?

Or what about the reality that the call to singleness is a high calling? In 1 Corinthians 7:32-35, Paul says that the unmarried man is free from all of the anxieties that the married man has. While the married man has the responsibility of pleasing his wife, the single man doesn’t have to worry about that. The married man has his interests divided while the single man can have an undivided devotion for the Lord. Simply put: the single man has more time, energy, and resources to devote to the kingdom (I’m not saying that caring for a wife and raising children isn’t kingdom advancing work—it certainly is. But there is just a reality where the single’s devotion is more directed while the married man’s devotion is broader). I can’t help but read this passage and consider the parable of the talents. If a servant has been given more time, energy, and resources to direct to the kingdom, more will be required of him. Do not waste your talents. Do not squander your singleness. Keep your eyes, your hands, and your minds from that which is worthless. And strive to steward your time with that which is profitable.

  1. Be intentional about balancing your interactions

One of the most frustrating things that a single guy can do is to send mixed signals to single girls. And I think that the main cause of this happens when guys are not mindful of their interactions.

I won’t pretend to know how it all works, but I have had enough conversations with my sisters to know that attention is often equated with romantic interest. I will not go into the girl’s side as to whether or not this is right or wrong. But I do want to encourage single guys to be more intentional about balancing their interactions so that some of these issues are avoided altogether.

I don’t claim to be perfect in this, but I did have a sister commend my behavior. She told me that she was never confused about the attention I gave her because she saw it was the same attention that I gave to an 11-year-old girl and a 60-year-old married saint. It is possible, and even good, to have deep meaningful conversations with our sisters. But I think we need to be careful so as to not stir up confusion. If you are intent on pursuing a certain sister, by all means, give her special attention. But if none of those intentions are there, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have a friendship with her—I actually think that you should. I just think we need to be mindful of why we are pursuing that friendship. Do we desire friendships with girls who are around our age because we are encouraged by their wisdom and want to be directed to Christ? Or do we desire friendships with girls our age because we really do desire the attention that is reciprocated? If it is the former, then my only question is: do you have friendships with girls who are not around your age? Because with the Holy Spirit, even an 11-year-old girl can impart wisdom and direct you to Christ.

I also recognize that there are a lot of brothers who don’t even struggle with the issue of talking to other single girls. For a lot of us, we have found it easier to talk to married women (when talking to saints of the opposite gender). It’s honestly a lot easier to go deep into a conversation without worrying if you’re putting off different signals. There’s a type of “safety” in talking to someone who is already married. And again, this is good. I want to encourage deep conversations and meaningful friendships. But I do want to bring caution to this area. And that caution comes from the Ten Commandments. While talking to someone else’s wife, you shall not steal.

It’s true, we should not commit adultery. I don’t want to just brush adultery aside as though it would never happen, but I do want to bring awareness to a sin that is a lot more subtle: stealing. The greatest honor, respect, confidence, and affections belong to a wife’s husband alone. Do not make any provision for this to change. I’m not going to go into all of the boundaries that I think are necessary (each person will have their own convictions), but I will exhort you: do all that you can to honor her husband in your interactions.

  1. Ask about the opposite calling

For those who are single but desire marriage, I would encourage you to ask the Lord if He might be calling you to singleness. And for those who are single, and have always been single, I would encourage you to ask the Lord if you should consider marriage.

One of my favorite authors is Nancy Leigh DeMoss Wolgemuth. I read a good amount of her writings as a teenager and was so encouraged by the way that she stewarded her singleness. In 2015, she got married at the age of 57. And I think that just really opened my eyes to the fact that the Lord can change your calling at any time. I know that you cannot always judge the Lord’s will by the fruit of ministry. But it does seem as though our sister was called to singleness for the first 56 years of her life. And then, she was called to be married. And so, my exhortation is to consider the opposite calling. Ask the Lord where He wants you, and do not hold anything (even your perceived calling) with a tight fist.

  1. Hang out with families

Singleness is lonely. And naturally, there is a tendency for singles to fight this loneliness by hanging out with other singles who are experiencing the same loneliness. And this is not a bad thing. I think that there is certainly a place for this. Hanging with other singles is good (it’s actually my next point). But I think we need to be extremely careful. We cannot believe the lie that we are the only ones who are lonely.

Singles are not alone in their loneliness. Families in the church can be just as, if not more, lonely. Consider a young couple who used to be in the singles’ crowd. They used to be invited to all of the game nights and the late evening get-togethers. But now they have a kid who has to go down at 7pm. Not only are they not able to fellowship, but they usually aren’t even invited to make that decision.

Sometimes we assume that we are the only ones who are not invited in the fellowship. I know that we go to church, and we see families who are in the same season of life chatting, and we just assume that they are always fellowshipping without us singles. But that’s not always true. More likely, those families are connecting at church because they aren’t able to fellowship during the week. And so, I want to give a strong exhortation to care for those who are lonely: singles, married without children, married with children, empty nesters, and literally every Christian. Don’t believe the lie that singles are alone in their loneliness.

  1. Hang out with singles

I’ll be honest: I really struggle in this area. But although I continue to fail in this area, I feel very strongly about this exhortation—enough to make it my final point.

When I hang out with families, I always try to use those opportunities to glean wisdom. How does he lead his family in worship? What are the thoughtful ways that he cares for his wife? What is it about her speech that calms these children? I tend to hang out with families because I value godly examples of marriage and parenting. And yet, I have found in my heart that I also hang out with families because I have de-valued singles. This is wrong, and I am seeking to grow in this area. Singles not only have gifts like evangelism, hospitality, and faith that are worth imitating, but even if you look to the single example of Paul, you’ll see that they are also filled with all sorts of wisdom on marriage and parenting. And so, I exhort you as I exhort myself: hang out with singles.

Another reason why this exhortation is necessary is because we can often feel like hanging out with singles only increases our feeling of loneliness. What do I mean? Well, if you’re single, and you are hanging out with a lot of singles, it’s pretty likely that some of your friends will “move on” from singleness and get married. I have found this to be a particular struggle with my brothers who struggle with same-sex attraction. And there is a temptation to just pull away. There is a temptation to not have to go through that pain and to only hang out with those who are already married. I would encourage you not to do that. I would encourage you to balance the relationships that you have, but to not pull away completely. The Lord knows your pain. Trust Him with your pain.

These exhortations come from my own self-perceived wisdom. Although I like to think that most of my thoughts are biblical, none of these exhortations come explicitly from Scripture. I hope that my ideas would provoke thought and conversation within the Body. So, take what is helpful and disregard what is not.

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Make Way for Theology

Originally written: July 28, 2017

Romans 5

“In the beginning,” Moana’s grandmother recounts how things came to be. She explains how the mother island, Tefiti, had life itself, and how “Tefiti shared it with the world.” This creation account is obviously based off Genesis, where we read of how our Father gave life; He calls for His creation to “be fruitful and multiply…subdue the earth… and have dominion” in order that life, which is knowing God, might be shared. But when Adam fell, death entered the world. In that day, Adam and Eve were cut off from life; they weren’t able to know God in an intimate way. Moana also portrays this fall. The First Adam, Maui, transgresses against the giver of life and is cast out of Tefiti’s presence—banished to an island. It is because Maui tried to usurp Tefiti, thinking that he could steward the heart better than the goddess, that there was enmity between Maui and Tefiti. And it is because of Maui’s sin that the rest of creation groans. We see the consequences on Motunui: no fish and dying trees. The demigod, who had once subdued the earth and brought dominion over every living thing to all men, also imputed the death and the consequence of his sin to all men. And yet, this is not even the worst part of Maui’s sin. The goddess who was once known to give life became known as Te Kā. Because of Maui’s sin, humans could only know Tefiti by the characteristic of her burning wrath: Te Kā. Similarly, the Bible tells us that it is because of sin that there is enmity between God and man. And for those who have become futile in their thinking and their foolish hearts darkened, they will mainly experience and know God for His wrath. It is only through Jesus that we can know and experience an aspect of God that is not His wrath. It is only through Jesus that we can be reconciled to our Father. Even though Moana has her own set of failings, her character is meant to point us to the personhood and role of Jesus Christ. When Te Kā’s wrath was set on destroying Maui (the scene where Maui’s hook was fully damaged, and Te Kā raised her hand to smash him), Moana stepped forward to take his place. She passed through the waters (resembling the wrath that was poured out on the Egyptian armies) to endure the full wrath of the frantically crawling Te Kā. And it was through Moana that the wrath of Te Kā was appeased. This propitiation even brought reconciliation to those who were once enemies. Tefiti, who once had her wrath set on destroying Maui, now shines her smile upon him. Because of her affections for Moana, she blesses Maui with a new hook. Likewise, it is only because of Christ that we too find favor in the sight of the Father. It is because of Christ that we are lavished with good gifts and brought into His kingdom. He even uses us to advance His kingdom to the ends of the earth. What a beautiful illustration of the First Adam being redeemed to once again have dominion with the last Adam as they voyage to the ends of the earth.

Matthew 28

Whether it’s fear or complacency, the church has always struggled to advance the Gospel. The realities of persecution, rejection, and failure have caused many saints to abandon missions. There is no telling what will happen if we go out into the unknown– out past Jerusalem and into Judea, Samaria, and the ends of the earth. Fear has kept the church from being occupied with missions. Another reason why the church has struggled to advance the Gospel faithfully is because she has become complacent. When God grows ministries and brings about unity, it is easy to become comfortable. But it becomes sinful when this comfort leads to apathy. The mission of the church is to “Go” and make disciples of all nations. To forsake this mission is to forsake our purpose and identity. Praise God we are not alone. When the Lord Jesus commissioned us to go, He said that He would be with us always, even to the end of the age. And then He poured out His Holy Spirit. His presence is enough to overcome both fear and complacency. In a very similar way, we see the island of Motunui struggle with complacency and fears. Lin Manuel Miranda’s Where You Are is literally about being comfortable with where you are. The islanders of Motunui sing of their contentment with what is here and express their apathy for what’s out there. Their desire to stay in Motunui is also driven by fear. Moana’s father is adamant that no one goes beyond the reef. He doesn’t even want Moana to go near the water, as he fears for her life. Understandably so: we hear the story of how his friend died when they attempted to go beyond the reef. And this fear has driven him to abandon his people’s purpose and identity; he has abandoned voyaging. Right as he is about to go and burn all of the boats, he is interrupted by the death of his mother. It is on her deathbed that she commissions Moana to “Go.” And when Moana is uncertain, her grandmother assures her, “There is nowhere you can go that I won’t be with you,” even to the end of the age. And right when Moana responds in obedience to the call, we see the grandmother’s spirit (in the form of a manta ray) go out from the island with Moana. Moana is a call for people to be who they are truly meant to be—to do what they are truly meant to do. For some, it is a call to voyage, but for others it is a call to missions.

Another Cool Parallel

One of my favorite scenes in Moana is when she is journeying to find Maui, and her boat tips over. As she grabs on to the flipped boat, she says: “Ocean, can I get a little help?” And at that moment, lightning strikes and a storm ensues. As she attempts to flip the boat herself, she continues to cry out for help. And almost as a response, a gigantic wave knocks her out, and the screen goes black. She wakes up on some island and immediately runs to the waters. She puts her hands on her hip and angrily yells, “Ummm, What? I SAID help me…and wrecking my boat, not helping,” she tries to kick the water but instead lands on her butt. “Fish pee in you…all day,” she tries to insult the water. And then right as she turns around, she notices that she has landed right where she needs to be: on Maui’s island. How often, do we as Christians look at our own circumstances, and when we cry out to God, he sends a storm? And we usually look at these moments of trials and suffering, and we doubt the goodness (or even the existence) of God. And yet, He is just so good to put us exactly where we need to be. These hardships are meant to shape us into Christlikeness.

Moana and LOTR

I probably shouldn’t call these parallels. They are more so just similar elements that make me think of LOTR when I am watching Moana. When grandma Tala is explaining how things came to be…I could almost hear Lady Galadriel narrating how things came to be. And there is a very similar premise: basically, the protagonist has to journey with another to the ends of the earth, past the lava, and place this small token of power there. In the Fellowship, when Isildur finally takes possession of the ring, he is shot off of his horse by an arrow, and the ring floats to the bottom of the waters where it remains for generations. Likewise, once the greedy Maui steals the heart of Tefiti, he is blasted from the sky, and we see the heart float to the bottom of the ocean where it remains for generations. And whether you want to call it “precious” or “shiny”, this symbol of power is sought out by a very disturbing looking creature. And then even the strategy to restore the heart is similar to the strategy of destroying the ring. Frodo’s friends attempted to divert Sauron’s gaze by keeping his attention on the black gate. In the same way, Maui was used to distract Te Kā so that Moana could make it to Tefiti. But both of these diversions were not enough; when you talk to LOTR haters, they always bring up the fact that they should have just used the eagles the entire time. Like, why couldn’t the eagles just drop the ring in Mordor? And you kind of wonder the same thing about Moana. Like when Te Kā finally realizes what Moana is doing, she ignores Maui, and goes after her. And that’s when we see the ocean basically carry Moana to where she wants to go. Like why couldn’t the eagles and the ocean just spare us from these movies entirely? But what most fail to realize is that it is not just about the end goal. There is a need for a journey, and growth, and fellowship. It is these elements that make people appreciate the beauty of the author more. Isn’t that the same way our Author works? When I look at this story, I know that He can easily just take us to glorification. Why leave us here to be sanctified? Why leave us here to experience trials and suffering? Why not just invoke some eagles and ocean, skip the sanctification, and go right to glory? Maybe it’s so that we might know and experience our Author more fully.

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5 Harmful Things You Can Say to a Single Guy

Originally written: June 25, 2019

Christians love a good love story. And more than that, Christians love to be a part of a good love story (even if it’s not their own). In every church that I have ever been a part of, there have been self-identified match makers. And this is not a bad thing. I am not writing this to discourage match making; I believe that there is a time and place for this. I have simply found that much of the match making culture that I have seen in the church is completely devoid of the sentiments that Paul shares in 1 Corinthians 7.

What do we do with 1 Corinthians 7? This is that passage where Paul wishes that all were like him: single. Often times, we go straight to verse 26 where it says: “In view of the present distress,” and completely dismiss the entire passage by claiming that these instructions were specific to that time. And while there is certainly an argument there, I just want to make sure that we aren’t throwing out the baby with the bathwater. My intent is simply to use 1 Corinthians 7 as a light to expose that much of the language we currently use in the church is unhelpful at best and anti-biblical at worst.

In the following, I will share what was said, when it was said, their good intentions, my immediate thoughts, and how we should view it in light of Scripture.

“You’re really godly. We need to get you a wife.”

A few years ago, I was sitting at a table with a group of brothers. I had just finished testifying to the Lord’s work in my life, and I could tell that whatever I just said had really encouraged the table. One brother just burst out: “You’re really godly. We need to get you a wife.”

I know that this brother was well intentioned. He was merely trying to encourage me. He saw some good in my life, and then wanted to suggest that I was deserving of something good. However, I found this comment to be extremely hurtful.

So, now that you find me to be godly, you now think that I’m deserving of a wife? As though my godliness qualifies me to be married? Or as though I have done enough to make it to the “next level” of Christianity?

My brother was simply trying to recognize faithfulness, and acknowledge that faithfulness ought to be blessed with something good. And marriage is good. But, so is singleness. Singleness is a good blessing from the Lord. Might we cultivate a spirit like Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:8, and when we see godly character say: “It is good for them to remain single.”

“I’ve got a wife for you.”

If I had a nickel for every time someone came up to me, and said: “I’ve got a wife for you.” I have heard this exact phrasing on multiple occasions. But more often, I have heard, “Brother, I have a sister that I think that you should consider.”

There was a season where it felt like, every week, someone would come up to me and tell me this. And I know that the brothers and sisters who have told me this love me, care for me, and hold my character in high regard. And again, they just want to see me blessed with a good thing. But being someone who is intentional about everything that I do, I’ve actually been quite unsettled by this.

Wow, I am flattered that you hold me in such high regard, and want to look out for me. But if you really knew me (enough to make such a big suggestion), you would know that I am actually not looking.

The issue that I take is not that someone is offering a suggestion of who I should pursue. I think that there is a place for this. What I have found to be harmful is the fact that people just assume that I am looking for someone to pursue when I have never expressed my desires to them. If someone were to be openly searching for a good thing, then I think it is appropriate for brothers and sisters to be helpful. But in my case, I had never expressed such desires (partly because I felt genuine contentment in my singleness and partly because I had my eye on a very godly girl who I was patiently waiting for). And so, I think that it would be better to just assume that, unless he has expressed his desires to be married, the single brother is content in remaining where he is. 1 Corinthians 7:24 says, “So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.” Unless expressed otherwise (which I think could and should be a common thing), we ought to assume that a single person desires to remain as they are. And if you’re really curious, you don’t actually have to just assume; I think that an appropriate question to ask, prior to even making a suggestion, is: “Are you desiring to be in a relationship right now?”

“What’s her name?”

The Lord had just saved one of my friends. I was ecstatic! I went up to a brother at my church, and said, “I’ve got some really good news! I’ll have to tell you about it later.” To which, this brother replied: “What’s her name?”

I’ve actually had two brothers say this to me. And one of those times, I actually was about to tell him about a girl. That time, there was a bit of a shock factor: “How did you know that’s what I wanted to talk about?” And there was a part of me that really felt like he knew me. I felt cared for. So, while both brothers probably just wanted to care for me, one of those instances cut really deep.

Are you serious? Do you think that the only thing that can get a single guy so excited is some girl?

Guessing what someone will say might be accurate and even come off as discerning. However, I think that such speculation can result in much more harm than any potential good that it can accomplish. In 1 Corinthians 7:32, Paul says that, “the unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” What if, rather than just assuming that every single person is occupied with the thought of marriage, we assume what Scripture tells us – that an unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord. Although it won’t offer the same sensation, saying: “I had a feeling you were going to tell me about a girl when you came up to me,” after the fact is certainly a safer option.

“You need to marry______.”

I’ve literally had a brother come up to me, point at a sister in my church, and say: “You need to marry [her].”

It is clear that this brother thought very highly of me and this other sister. He just figured that it would be really cool if things could work out between us. But as you would imagine, this is extremely unhelpful.

Uhhhhh, please quit pointing. This is super awkward. So, am I just supposed to follow after your calling?

I don’t think that this is a common gesture. In fact, I’m certain that most people would cringe just reading this. But since it has happened to me, I will address this. 1 Corinthians 7:17 says: “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.” I don’t think that there is ever an appropriate time to tell someone who they need to marry. It can be helpful to offer suggestions (if the person has asked) or maybe even try to set up situations where two saints might interact, but if God desires this relationship, He will be the one to call the single brother.

 “When you gon get married?”

As soon as a couple gets back from their honeymoon, they get asked the question: “So, when are you guys gonna have a baby?” And as soon as a single guy has been saved for longer than 2 months, they are sure to get the question: “When you gon get married?” This sounds ridiculous – two months must certainly be an exaggeration. But I have seen the conversion of three of my roommates, and like clockwork, this question came.

I’m not quite sure why this question is constantly asked. Maybe it’s because marriage just seems like the next step to life in the same way kids seem like the next step to marriage. And maybe in view of this present time, the Lord is leading many into marriage. But I think that the commonality of such a calling should not excuse the harmful pressure that this question can apply.

Again? How many people are going to ask me this? Maybe I should be thinking about marriage. I mean, everybody that I know is either married, in a relationship, or pursuing a relationship. If I don’t think about starting a family, does that mean that I don’t really care about the Kingdom – since the family is such a central institution for discipleship? But what about my sexual sin? Man, I really don’t want my sin to affect another person. I need to keep fighting. Why do people gotta keep asking me? Just another shameful reminder that I can’t overcome my sin.

I actually don’t think that this question is ever appropriate to ask. Consider the brother who you’d be asking. If they desire marriage, but are not currently pursuing marriage, then there is probably a reason. If it is because they have tried, and keep facing rejection, then asking this question will only rub an already painful wound. And if they are simply waiting on the Lord for victory against sexual immorality, this question can often lead to a feeling of shame and embarrassment. And if the brother doesn’t desire marriage, this question will only incite the pressure of needing to feel “normal”. In verse 27 of 1 Corinthians 7, Paul asks a completely different question and gives a response that we would probably never hear in our day: “…Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife.” Rather than speaking in a way that is culturally informed, might we seek to speak in a way that is biblically informed?

The Lord does use His people to exhort, give instruction, commend, counsel, and call other saints to obedience. But that instruction should accord with His Word.

I am aware that there are some single brothers who are complacent playing video games, who need to be pushed, and who need to be spurred on toward intentionality. But, that’s exactly what they need: an exhortation to be intentional and Christlike. They do not need an exhortation to get married. They need to be exhorted to present their bodies as living sacrifices. And if this means that they start pursuing a godly girl, praise the Lord!

* If you are reading this, and you have said some of these things to me, please know: I am not mad at you. I have felt cared for and loved and honored by you. I just think that our speech can be better informed by Scripture.